Before:
This Effective Altruism movement is against the ideas of Dre Urhahn and Jeroen Koolhaas, who used art to bring a community together. Koolhaas and Urhahn, proved art has a big impact on people’s lives. In turn, art brings people together and changes perspectives. Art can be very powerful when it has good intentions behind it. Not all art is useful, but sometimes it just takes a vision to make a difference.
After:
Koolhaas and Urhahn, proved art has a big impact on people’s lives. In turn, art brings people together and changes perspectives. Although the Effective Altruism members never directly said art isn’t helpful, they never recognized it as a way to help those in need. They mainly believe in money solving the problem, which can be true, but the underlying power of Koolhaas and Urhahn’s work is in some cases worth more than money. Art can be very powerful when it has good intentions behind it. Sometimes it just takes a vision and a little bit of hope to make a difference.
I made changes to my conclusion paragraph as I was told by my peers that I needed to make it longer and more descriptive. I used section W-4b Making Paragraphs Flow to help.
Before:
Altruism has the opportunity to expand throughout a community after its been enlisted. In the case of this TED talk it was abundantly clear. A great example is when Urhahn said: “It’s beauty and it’s attention. If you do a two-year project, you show two year worth of full-time love and dedication to a neighborhood and its people, and it’s something that people take very, very serious. A good example was when we first arrived we put posters everywhere. We flyered and we had people going door to door, asking the merchants to come together for a meeting and it was only three people that came out. And we did the same thing after the project was done, and we needed to change the venue because it couldn’t hold all the people, and everybody came together”. This quote shows the large impact the paintings had on the Philly neighborhood. At first no one was really on board but after the the community members got involved and some helped put it together they saw the change happening and was all for it. This always shows the expand of altruism through the community as it just started with two guys and eventually got almost everyone involved.
After:
Even though the TED talk never mentions altruism, Koolhaas and Urhahn’s work has altruistic characteristics. Altruism has the opportunity to expand throughout a community once its enlisted. A great example is when Urhahn said: “It’s beauty and it’s attention. If you do a two-year project, you show two year worth of full-time love and dedication to a neighborhood and its people, and it’s something that people take very, very serious. A good example was when we first arrived we put posters everywhere. We flyered and we had people going door to door, asking the merchants to come together for a meeting and it was only three people that came out. And we did the same thing after the project was done, and we needed to change the venue because it couldn’t hold all the people, and everybody came together”. This quote shows the larger impact that the painting had on the Philly neighborhood and how their selfless act of kindness transform the whole vibe of the neighborhood. At first, not many people knew what the paintings would do or the reason for them, but after the project they realized the change and its importance.
I made changes to try and show how art isn’t a waste a time and can be helpful. I used section W-4b Strategies for developing the main point.
Elizabeth,
What if–in your second paragraph–you swapped your first sentence with your second?
Your paragraph would begin with a stronger claim: Altruism has (a way of expanding throughout a community once its enlisted?) the opportunity to expand throughout a community once its enlisted. Even though the TED talk never mentions altruism, Koolhaas and Urhahn’s work has altruistic characteristics. A great example is when Urhahn said: “It’s ….”